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Sam Joe Sam Joe
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Why all the questions? Sorry. Guess I'm just used to interrogating criminals all day. When did you last interview a suspect? Ah, let me show you around my beat.
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Aunt Joan Martin Pauline Martin Aunt Joan Louisa Aunt Joan Martin Aunt Joan Louisa Martin
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Louisa needs to see you. Why? Is there something wrong? Sorry I'm late. Slow moving boyfriend. Hey! Get that dog out of my reception. As soon as you've dealt with Louisa. I can just go to the hospital. Don't be so silly. You're here now, and Martin wants to help. What's the problem? The baby Martin. I haven't felt it move for awhile. Come in. Go through. Get out! Get, get that out! It, it can stay out here, but it, it can't come into the surgery. It's against the law.
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Aunt Joan Martin Louisa Aunt Joan Martin Aunt Joan Martin Aunt Joan Louisa Martin Louisa Martin Louisa Martin Louisa Martin Aunt Joan Louisa Aunt Joan
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When did you last feel it move? I’ll ask the questions, thank you. When did you last feel it move? Well, there's been nothing since yesterday, lunchtime. I'm sure everything's fine. What are you so sure about? There's any number of things that could have gone wrong. Martin! Aunt Joan. You'd like me to leave. I'll be right outside if you need me. Thank you. Could you, um, undo the lowest buttons of your, uh, blouse and um, pull down the top of your...skirt, just a little bit? It's, uh, awkward. If you're embarrassed, then why'd you come to see me? No. I mean it's tricky to undo this blouse. The buttons are very small and my fingers are getting fat. Let me help. I'll just pull that up. It sounds fast. Is that all right? Fetal heart rate should be between 120 and 160 beats per minute. It's completely normal. Is everything all right? Yes. Apart from the fact that I'm now officially one of those neurotic pregnant mums. All right. Come on Buddy. We know when we're not wanted.
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Joe Tourist Joe
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Uh, can I interrupt Doc? This gentleman's had a nasty accident. Trapped his fingers. I didn't trap them. This moron slammed… The, the, the Doc doesn’t need to know any details of the circumstances. He'll just want to examine the damage. Won't you Doc?
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Sam Joe Pauline
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Sam Penhale. My big brother. Can you see the family likeness? No.
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Joe
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He's an artist. Oil paints, watercolors, pastels. Not in a girly way, if that's what you're thinking.
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Edith Martin Edith Martin Edith Martin Edith
Martin Edith Martin
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You don't mind I ordered something rather bloody? Not at all. It won't upset you? Of course not. If you ever need help, I know someone. Thank you. I can manage on my own. "On my own, no more. The beat of my heart echoes in time with another. And now, sore with longing, it runs like a child to its mother." You're the only man who's ever written me a poem. I've got it somewhere. I could find it. Oh no. Don't bother. Do you still write poetry? No.
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Martin Edith Martin Edith
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What's that perfume? I can't remember the name of it. It was a gift. From an infertile and rather unattractive couple. It smells of cheese. No more IVF for those two!
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Bert Al Bert Al Bert Al Bert Al Bert Al Bert Al Bert Al Bert Al Bert
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Ah, son. Yeah. We've gotta have some of that…face time. Dad, no. I don't want an accordion player on the terrace. How would you feel if you lost your girl? Because, if you're not careful, she's going to leave you, toothbrush and all. What? First off, you follow her round like a lamb. No, I don't. Yes you do. And Pauline don't like it. How d'you know? Because she told me not to tell you. And you're samey. I'm what? Samey. I don't even know what that means, Dad. Neither do I, but it's not good. Right. And I hate to have to tell you this, but you're...well, you're kind of weak in the romance department. You gotta work on yourself boy. Shape up or it's splitsville. She also said she wanted an accordion player on the terrace.
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Martin Edith Martin Edith Martin Village Girls
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Right. I'll say goodnight. I think that was appropriate, don't you? Yes. Your breath seems a little metallic. It's possible you're jaundiced. You might want to check. I'll do that. Whooo. New girlfriend? Use a condom this time. He's a proper shagger!
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Martin
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Yes. Mr Routledge. You're dying? Really? You'd better be!
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Mr Routledge Martin Mr Routledge Martin Mr Routledge
Martin
Mr Routledge Martin Mr Routledge
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How do you expect me to get to the door if I'm having a heart attack? I see you managed to get to the fridge all right. What were you doing when your so-called discomfort started this time? I was on the toilet. I didn’t flush, just in case you need a sample. On a scale of one to ten, with ten being the worst, how would you describe your pain level? I'm not sure that's a big enough scale. But I'll tell you one thing. I'd be a lot more comfortable if you'd get me a place in a nursing home. Shh! Nothing. You don't need a place in a nursing home. You've already got Meals on Wheels and a home help, neither of which you actually deserve. It's not safe here! That walk from the taxi to the door is treacherous. It's the only exercise you get. Can you get me another beer before you go?
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Sam Pauline Sam
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You look like a madonna. Don't say that. Have you seen her face recently? No. I mean the..actual… Never mind.
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Louisa Edith Louisa Edith Louisa Edith
Louisa
Edith
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Is something wrong? Stop talking, please. You made a mistake? A mistake? I don't mean getting pregnant. Did you get the date wrong? The date of what? Ah, um, you're not being very clear. I'm simply trying to work out whether you're suffering some sort of intrauterine growth retardation. What I need to know, and this shouldn't be too difficult, I 'd have thought, when did you have sex with Dr Ellingham? Well, I, I didn't actually make a note in my diary. But, uh, I think the last time...we had... On the few occasions that we...uh. It was, ah, mid-October. 11th, and uh, couple a days after that. There. Wasn't so bad, was it?
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Louisa
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I need a place of my own, in the village. Waddling distance.
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Al Pauline Al
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I've booked a table. At a restaurant. A romantic restaurant. Not your place then. Ummm.
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Joe Martin Joe Martin Joe Martin Joe Martin Joe Martin Joe
Martin Joe Martin Joe Martin
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So, what, exactly, have we got? YOU have got nothing. Don't try and sugar the pill. There is no pill. You have no symptoms. You have, therefore, no illness. Not yet. But if it killed Grandfather… I can't tell what killed your grandfather. He was only 49. How long have I got? I can't possibly tell how long you're going to live. Right now, it is your brother I'm concerned with. Yes, everyone always cares about Sam. He'll be all right though. He's the lucky one. I'm the one that needs to worry. Why? Because, if it's genetic, it'll swerve past Sam, come straight for me. So please tell me what's on your mind. I have to know! Your brother has some symptoms consistent with Huntington's disease. But it's highly unlikely. Will I go mental? Will I definitely die? If you did have it, then, um, yes, you would, slowly go mental and eventually die. Oh, my God! It killed Grandpa and now it's coming for me. Oh, all right. Sit down and roll up your sleeve.
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Joe
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It looks Huntingtony.
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Pauline Martin Pauline
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Right. You can answer the phone, then. What? If you're gonna take your own blood, you might as well do my WHOLE JOB!
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Joe Martin
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Goodbye Pauline. He thinks I'm gonna die soon. Not soon enough.
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Joe Martin
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I'll miss you Doc. All right. Let go. Go. That's it.
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Louisa Aunt Joan Louisa Aunt Joan
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Seems a bit weird just to knock on his door. I haven't seen him for years. Oh, he'll be glad of the company. Yes. Thanks for the lift Joan. Oh. If he offers you tea, make sure you wash the mug..
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Aunt Joan Martin Aunt Joan Martin Aunt Joan Martin Aunt Joan
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You'll be delighted to hear the scan went well. What scan? Louisa's checkup at the hospital. Oh, for God's sake Martin. Take some interest in your baby. Louisa has made it abundantly clear that she wants me to have nothing to do with it. And you'll do as you're told? Yes. Well, that'll be a first.
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Mr Routledge Louisa Mr Routledge Louisa Mr Routledge Louisa Mr Routledge Louisa Mr Routledge
Louisa Mr Routledge
Louisa Mr Routledge Louisa Mr Routledge Louisa Mr Routledge Louisa Mr Routledge Louisa Mr Routledge
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It's good of you to visit me, Lisa. Louisa. And thank you for the jelly babies. I'm sorry there weren't that many left. I don't see many people these days. Those that do come, complain about the smell. I can't imagine why. It’s a kipper. What is? The, the smell. I was making me breakfast and, uh, one of me kippers slipped down the back of the cooker. I couldn't reach it, and the home help's no help. Haven't had a cooked breakfast in a good while now. It's such a lovely house. And so close to the school. It doesn't suit me. All these stairs. On my bad days, I wee in the kitchen sink, just to save myself the climb. Would you like a biscuit? Oh, no. I'm fine, thanks. Over there by the sink. I hear you're thinking of going into a home. That tosser, Doc Martin, doesn't think I'm ill enough. I had a heart attack this morning. He didn't even care. If you did go into a home, what, what would you do with this place? Rent it out, I guess. To tourists, or someone local? Someone who's lived here all their life, still works in the village... Not many of them left. Oh, there's a few on the boats, in the shops, in the school. Where do you live, Lisa?
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Al Joe Al
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The thing about women is they always want to know where you are, but they never want you around. I suppose we're all gonna die. It's just, getting used to the idea. I stood her up, right. Cause she's got this crazy idea that I'm clingy. I mean, me. Clingy!
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Pauline
Martin Pauline Martin
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Last night, Al stands me up, so, uh, I stay awake, waiting for him so I could ignore him, but then I fall asleep. This morning, I find him asleep on the bathroom floor.I hadn't heard him come in. Passed out trying to brush his teeth. So I stayed awake for no good reason. Well, that's it. Where's the painter? He's in the kitchen. The kitchen doesn't need painting!
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Martin Joe Martin
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Your results are negative. Oh? So I'm not gonna die? Not from Huntington's, no.
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Pauline Martin Pauline Martin Pauline
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Doc, there's another Routledge emergency! No! I am not attending that hypochondriac anymore! He's got chest pains, arm-ache. I'm with a patient. Is this one having a stroke?
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Martin Mr Routledge Martin
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No, you're not having a stroke. Then why do I feel as if I am? Because you're a mentally deranged time-waster. And Sod's law dictates the one time I fail to attend is the one day you actually die.
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Martin Louisa Martin Mr Routledge Louisa Mr Routledge Martin Mr Routledge Louisa Martin Mr Routledge Martin Mr Routledge Louisa Mr Routledge Martin Louisa Martin Louisa Martin Louisa Martin Louisa Martin Louisa
Martin Louisa
Martin
Louisa Martin Louisa Martin Louisa Martin Mr Routledge Martin Mr Routledge Louisa Mr Routledge Martin Mr Routledge Martin
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Louisa? Has something happened to Mr Routledge? Sadly not. Is that my breakfast? Two lovely kippers. The grill's over there. When did you start delivering Meals on Wheels? Lisa thinks I should go into a home. He's very frail. No, he's not. Yes, I am. No, you're not. I'm going for a wee. It probably would be for the best, though, wouldn't it? I'd get proper care. And Lisa could move in here. Oh, right. I see. See what? You want me to refer Mr Routledge to a home so that you can move into his house. No, no, not at all. So you wouldn't want to live here? Well, I would, yes. Mmm. Don't "mmm" at me, Martin. Goodbye. Martin. I was going to come and see you. Can you look at this? Oh God. There is something wrong. Dr Montgomery says it's SGA. She's booked me in for some scans, dopplers. They checked the placenta's working...? I got the technicalities explained at length. What I didn't get was any kind of reassurance the baby's doing okay, and that's all I want right now. Don't worry about one image, Louisa. Easily misinterpreted. Some fetuses are small at this stage and have a growth spurt later on. Some fetuses are small throughout the pregnancy. It doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you - or the baby. Right. Um, can I have it back? Um, do you mind if I hang onto it? I just want to check the measurements and consult with Edith. You're, You're gonna talk to Edith about OUR baby? Is that a problem? With you discussing MY baby with YOUR ex-fiancee? Huh! I see. It's your baby when it suits you, but it's ours when you need medical help. So, do I start packing, or not? No. Mr Routledge, you are not entitled to a place in a home. Caring profession. My big....Aah! Oh, my God! Ah, ah... Don't, don't move! Does it look like I can? Ahhhh! He's broken his hip.
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Pauline
Al Pauline Al Pauline Al Pauline Al Pauline Al Pauline Al
Pauline Al Pauline Al Pauline Al Pauline Al Pauline Al Pauline Bert
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Okay. I was really angry about last night, but I think we should discuss it properly. Like grown-ups. Are you ignoring me now? Don’t know about these hybrids. Cars are supposed to make a noise, aren't they? Electric ones are just spooky. Can't take this anymore. Can't take what? All this acting so weird. I haven't been acting weird. All right, all right, all right. I have been acting weird, but... You want to get rid of me. No, you idiot. You're the idiot. I, I want you to stay, Pauline. Oh, I give up. No, I give up! Cause I buy you flowers, you yell at me. I stand you up so you don't think I'm no clingy, you ignore me. Have you any idea how much I had to drink to stay out that late with my so-called mates, just to prove to you that, yes, I do have a life of my own? I didn't want you to do all that. Yes, you did. Dad told me. Oh, so he told you to act like a pillock? He told me you don't like how I am, and he said I mumble. What? He said...He said, I mumble. No, you don't. You don't have to change completely. So, so there are, um, bits of me that you like? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Gonna tell me what they are so maybe I can, um, work on them? Why don't you work it out for yourself? He's got a lovely head of hair.
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Joe Sam Joe Sam Joe
Sam Joe
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What the hell's going on? Oh, my God! You've turned my kitchen into a crack den! No, I haven't. Is that cocaine? No, it's paint. I'm making paint. You buy paint. You don't make it. You had me thinking you were ill. You're just a junkie. I want you and your narcotics out of my house! I'm not a junkie, you moron. I am not a moron, you junkie
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Martin Joe Martin Joe Martin Joe Martin Joe Martin Joe Martin Joe Martin Joe Martin Sam Martin Joe Martin Joe Martin Joe Martin Sam Joe
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Hello, can you hear me? Painter? I think maybe he ate something bad. Why do you say that? He just has that kind of "I ate something bad" look. Don’t you think? His pulse is elevated. Has he taken any drugs to your knowledge? How do you...I mean, do you have to know about that to help him? Well, of course I do. He's presenting like he's had an overdose and I can't treat him if I don't know what he's taken. He's been taking crack cocaine. See? He said he was making paint. Paint? It's not his fault though. Uh, it's all the stress. What stress? He's been, uh, staying up, uh, late at night, working hard on this. Not bad for a crackhead. Hmmm. "Samuel Birch. 1888". (Slap) Wake up! Why'd you sign it "Samuel Birch"? Because he's a forger. Oh, shit. Yeah. Blue discoloration along the gum line. I think he's got lead poisoning. Have you been making lead paint? You can buy paint. Not the sort they used in the 1800s. So, he's not a druggie? No. He's a crook. No. Not Sam. You don't get chronic lead poisoning overnight. I doubt if this is the first time he's done it. He'll need to go to hospital. It's not what it looks like. Did you even have a trial for Plymouth Arglye? Did you?
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Pauline Joe
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Oh, I can't, can’t. It’s just too beautiful. Even you have to admit that. I don’t have to admit anything. I have the right to remain silent.
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Joe Martin Joe Martin Joe Martin Joe Martin Joe
Martin Joe
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Doc, could I have a word? No. You took my blood, did some tests. You're not ill. You're fit and healthy. Physically. I thought you might want this. No, I don't. You said you liked it. No, I didn't. Well, you agreed it wasn't bad, for a crackhead. I've, I've put some Tipp-Ex over the signature, so, technically, it's not illegal anymore. I, I'm trying to say sorry. For what my brother nearly did to our special relationship. But, we're okay now, yeah? Uh...pffft. Great.
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